Grandpa is in the Hospital

So, my grandpa is back in the hospital again. I don't want to be depressing, but it is really kind of hard not to, because I feel sad.

He takes heart medication that keeps his blood thin so he won't have a clot, and thus a stroke. But he started bleeding in his brain a few days ago. Since he was on the heart medication, he didn't have his normal clotting factors. Instead of the bleeding stopping like it normally would, the medication made him bleed and bleed and bleed.

So the doctors told us that the only thing to stop his brain from bleeding was to take him off the heart medication. He'll stop bleeding in his brain, but his heart if more likely to throw another clot that will lead back to his original problem: a stroke.

I am heart broken. Sharon said today, "He's damned if he does, he's damned if he doesn't." Basically my grandma and grandpa had to make a choice. Does he want to continue bleeding into his brain, or wait for a clot to form?

They decided to take him off the heart medication. It will give him more time, but honestly we are looking at anywhere between days to months. I hate to think about death. He is a very religious man, so I think maybe he isn't as afraid to die as I am afraid for him to die. I called my mom on my way to school to let her know what was going on, (since my mom and dad are divorced, she isn't really in the loop where my dad's parents are concerned) and I was making a huge effort to not cry. It's stupid to hold it back, but I feel like I need to be strong. He is my grandpa, but my dad is going to be losing his dad. It is going to be way harder on him, and I want to be there for my dad. I don't want to be a sobbing, snot-filled mess.

I am going to the hospital to see my grandpa. I don't want to write here that it is to say goodbye, because he could have months still, but the thought is there in my head. I hate that little voice, but I have to prepare for the worst, and hope that it is the very best.

But honestly, I don't want my grandpa to be in pain for even a second. I would rather he go quickly than have him hurting. So I don't know what the best is. Maybe it is getting to have months, or maybe the best would be for him to be gone in a week. I don't know at all. I only know that I love him so much. It makes me so sad to think of him as frail when I remember all of the times he has been so strong.

I just hate to think of him not being here one day. He is an old man, (89!), but there was still that childish hope that he would get to see my own kids.

Anyways, I didn't want to have a long period of no posts for no apparent reason. If I don't post for a while, this is the very valid reason. But I suspect that I will try to keep it updated here when I can. If anything, I will try to write a few post and have them scheduled so I won't leave everyone hanging.