Why I Always Feel Awkward

I am notorious for not going to things like Christmas parties for work, and for not showing up to events for school.

For instance, I briefly joined the Newspaper at my school. I say briefly because I quit after a few weeks. Why did I quit, you ask? Because I ended up going to the Newspaper meetings and sitting quietly and had not a clue what to say to anyone. I don't feel like a particularly outgoing person until I get to know a person, and I didn't know anyone there. It was horrible, sitting there, feeling my cheeks get red and feeling incredibly awkward.

On top of that, the one assignment I had got turned down by the "editor" three times. Once because it was "two wordy," (I stayed well with in the 300 word limit.) the second time because it wasn't wordy enough, and the third time, because after I finally got it right, the piece wasn't relavent anymore.

After that, I left, feeling like I had made a fool of myself for even sticking my neck out and trying to do a good job. (Come to find out, during my last semester, I made a concerted effort to read the published newspaper and saw, [to my horror] that it was riddled with errors. Spelling and grammatical! I shook my head in dismay, knowing I could have done a much finer job fixing all of those things in one sitting.)

A second instance I always feel awkward is at other people's family get togethers. Like Christmas parties with people who maybe "family" but I can't even remember their names unless under duress and with a picture/name finding game.

I often find that I don't fit in with the "kids" because they are actually too young, or are near my age, but are no where near a competent maturity level. The guys are too busy chuckling about their beery college nights, and the girls are too concerned with their crushes.

I don't get to fit in with the "adults' because they think I am "too young" or "immature." It really couldn't be farther from the truth. And even when the adults want to talk to me, it is only ever about school or work. After all, what else can you talk to a student about?

I try to arm myself with interesting things to talk about. I like to listen to NPR so I can get some good facts about the world to help aid the adults in conversation, and I make efforts to watch MTV for the teenagers. Sure, I have plenty of "drinking war stories" to astound my male family members, but I sometimes keep that to myself mostly because then there is the awkward, "Hey, lets drink and smoke sometime!"

And then the Facebook friend request.

And so on an so forth.

I would rather curl up on a couch with a good book until the feasting of dinner and the opening of gifts. But that is definitely not allowed, (especially by the parentals) so I am left to feel awkward. It is especially awkward when everyone is done saying whatever they wanted to say and there is that long pause of silence.

........................

And then they look at me like, You must tell us all things!

Sorry guys. The only amazing things I have to tell are about how I passed school and get to go to "real college!"

Oh well. At least the easiest topic would be: "So the end of the world... We survived it, chee-ya!"