I Split My Pants

So here is an embarrassing story.

Apparently, I am either bloated, or have gained weight, or my pants are actually getting smaller. (I like the very last option...) because I put on my very favorite pair of pants today. They are around seven years old, and the most beautiful, worn pair of jeans anyone has ever met. Not only are they split up the side from the hem, missing the back part of the trim, but they are also covered in tiny paint and pen splotches. They are obviously a well loved pair of jeans.

So loved, in fact, that the butt pockets have begun to tear apart at the seams. I am definitely not a seamstress, but I have done a damn fine job of holding these suckers together with a needle and thread. About once a month, the little butt pocket holes would start to come undone, and I would patiently sew everything back together.

Well, today will be the final resting day for my jeans.

Because I got into the car, and felt an abrupt cool wind on my ass.

Imagine my surprise when my jeans ripped from the top of my pocket to under my ass cheek.

And on top of that, I had to go with my parents to see the grandparents. I spent a good portion of my day shielding my ass with my purse.

Because I split my goddamned pants.

Below I will be posting a picture, but if anyone can't stomach my super pale ass-side and some thigh, don't scroll down any farther.

If you want to laugh your ass off at my exposed ass, please proceed.

And if you are wondering, that is my ass, no posing. I am not pushing my butt out to make it look bigger, it is really just a nice ass.

And those are also my wonderfully juvenile Joe Boxer underwear. 

How Not to Woo a Woman

Okay, so this maybe a partial reason why I am not dating anyone. In the past semester I have been approached by a few guys wanting to "get to know me better." While that is not a bad thing, it is really their approach that makes me think twice about me wanting to get to know them better.

Here is one example:

I am sitting in the library, with my headphones in, a textbook on a side table, a highlighter in hand, and my computer in my lap. A guy sees me working diligently, (by which I mean I am completely engrossed in my work and probably have a "leave me the fuck alone face"). He walks over. Says something. Blink-182 is blasting loudly in my ears so naturally I don't hear him. He goes one step further by waving furiously.

Do I know this person? I look up. Definitely not.

 He says something again and motions taking out an earbud. I take it out. "Oh, hi. Can I sit here?"

"Yeah..." I answer drawing it out. "It is a public library." I go to pop my earbud back in. Instead he starts talking, and I feel obliged to be polite.

"So, you must be really good at science." I have a philosophy text book on the side table.

"Um, yeah... I guess if I want to be I am." I look at my final paper that I was working on so keenly. I want him to leave me alone. "So, I am working on this paper..."

"What classes are you talking?" He leans forward like an expectant puppy.

"Uh, you know, this and that. But I am working on a paper and have a class in a little bit." I don't have class in an hour, but he doesn't know that. It is almost two. I want to make a run for it, but it is fucking cold as balls outside.

I mistakenly think he will go away, and for the next hour I sit and and answer questions in as few of words as possible. There is really more nodding or shaking my head than anything else. Finally, I get fed up and start packing up.

"I really have to go. This was a... nice chat." I put my laptop in my backpack and hope he will just understand I am not interested. I don't know him well enough to be rude and just say, "Dude, not a chance."

He doesn't get the memo. "So can I call you sometime."

"Uh... no, I don't think so..." He looks crushed, "'Cause I am busy all the time, with work and school... I uh, don't even get to see my own friends or family..." I am panicking. So I nod and run away.

Here is my other example:

I am sitting outside my chemistry class, on my phone and listening to my iPod when a guy walks over. He makes some motion, and again, I feel obliged to be polite and look up, take my earbud out, and find out what he wants.

First he asks about my necklace. It's a rock on a sting that means nothing to me. He tells me about his ring of pink opal. Apparently it has hindu magic. I say okay, then turn back to my game on my phone.

He starts talking about the fact that I have Starbucks coffee. He tells me about a "cool coffee shop" near someplace that is probably out in West County.

I nod, some more, then put my phone in my lap, knowing he won't go away, but that the chemistry lab door isn't open.

And then for some reason, I think oh, he is actually kind of nice and normal. And then I think, I should give him my number if he asks. I should have known better.

When I finally do give him my number, I feel like maybe this is a good thing. Of course I know he wants to get to know me so he can ask me out, and that makes me feel good about myself. Look, people find me attractive!

Hey! This is Hirsch! How are you! He texts.

Pretty good :) I respond.

So I am going to Texas this week. But I wanted you to know that I have not stopped thinking about your long, slender, milky white neck all day. You would make a good weather person.

I make a really weird face and decide I don't have anything to say to that. Shit just got real.

A week later I get this:

U hvnt chkd up on me all WEEK! :( :( :( How r u gonna make this relationship wrk if we dnt tlk!!!

Disregarding the ridiculous "text speech" I decide again not to answer. Relationship? What the fuck?

A few days later:

Hey! I saw it was snowing, and I thought of U! I pictured u fallin n the river! :D

Uh...huh. 

If we dnt ever tlk i dnt think we r gonna wrk out! :(

Kind of the point.

So, I know why you aren't talking to me. You have been abducted by aliens. That is the only way you would not talk to me. Because I know you would otherwise. So when the aliens bring you back, I will be here waiting for a message. :) :D

Sorry, dude. HELL FUCKING NO. Definitely not going to happen.

At least I have been smart enough to tell people around me about this weirdo. My little brother even offered to "make him eat his teeth." His words, but it paints a glorious picture.

My last example, I will simply link, because it doesn't need to be written twice. My second example though is the best example as to why I am single though.

Oh well. C'est la vie. Vie is full of weirdo imagining me falling in rivers. And assuming I am good at science. And guys going to parties that were totally not invited, and no one knowing who they are.

I guess the saying that would be more applicable it Ma vie amoureuse est morte.

Why I Always Feel Awkward

I am notorious for not going to things like Christmas parties for work, and for not showing up to events for school.

For instance, I briefly joined the Newspaper at my school. I say briefly because I quit after a few weeks. Why did I quit, you ask? Because I ended up going to the Newspaper meetings and sitting quietly and had not a clue what to say to anyone. I don't feel like a particularly outgoing person until I get to know a person, and I didn't know anyone there. It was horrible, sitting there, feeling my cheeks get red and feeling incredibly awkward.

On top of that, the one assignment I had got turned down by the "editor" three times. Once because it was "two wordy," (I stayed well with in the 300 word limit.) the second time because it wasn't wordy enough, and the third time, because after I finally got it right, the piece wasn't relavent anymore.

After that, I left, feeling like I had made a fool of myself for even sticking my neck out and trying to do a good job. (Come to find out, during my last semester, I made a concerted effort to read the published newspaper and saw, [to my horror] that it was riddled with errors. Spelling and grammatical! I shook my head in dismay, knowing I could have done a much finer job fixing all of those things in one sitting.)

A second instance I always feel awkward is at other people's family get togethers. Like Christmas parties with people who maybe "family" but I can't even remember their names unless under duress and with a picture/name finding game.

I often find that I don't fit in with the "kids" because they are actually too young, or are near my age, but are no where near a competent maturity level. The guys are too busy chuckling about their beery college nights, and the girls are too concerned with their crushes.

I don't get to fit in with the "adults' because they think I am "too young" or "immature." It really couldn't be farther from the truth. And even when the adults want to talk to me, it is only ever about school or work. After all, what else can you talk to a student about?

I try to arm myself with interesting things to talk about. I like to listen to NPR so I can get some good facts about the world to help aid the adults in conversation, and I make efforts to watch MTV for the teenagers. Sure, I have plenty of "drinking war stories" to astound my male family members, but I sometimes keep that to myself mostly because then there is the awkward, "Hey, lets drink and smoke sometime!"

And then the Facebook friend request.

And so on an so forth.

I would rather curl up on a couch with a good book until the feasting of dinner and the opening of gifts. But that is definitely not allowed, (especially by the parentals) so I am left to feel awkward. It is especially awkward when everyone is done saying whatever they wanted to say and there is that long pause of silence.

........................

And then they look at me like, You must tell us all things!

Sorry guys. The only amazing things I have to tell are about how I passed school and get to go to "real college!"

Oh well. At least the easiest topic would be: "So the end of the world... We survived it, chee-ya!"