Bruce Willis is My Kryptonite

Boyfriend got me sick about a week ago. Now, it wasn't a horrible kind of sick, I wasn't puking my guts out, but I did have that gross joint pain that I associate with all sickness and agony.

Naturally I went to the local grocery store down the street and got myself Nyquil. I knew from many past experiences that joint pain coupled with a stuffy nose that would not stop running would lead to me not being able to sleep. And I like my sleep.

Boyfriend, feeling horrible for transmitting what I assumed was the Black Plague, came over to try and comfort me in my dying hours. I took a double dose of Nyquil, and calmly asked for him to find a Bruce Willis movie on Netflix.

"What?"

"You know, he is normally bald and plays in like action trash movies, but because he is the star, they are kind of classy?"

"I know who Bruce Willis is. Don't you want to watch a nice movie? Like, I don't know, The Sound of Music?"

I looked at him like he had grown a penis out of his forehead, (which, ladies, while that might be gross, it could also be...useful) and just crossed my arms.

"Bruce Willis puts me to sleep." I didn't feel that there needed to be much more of an explanation than that, but he felt very differently.

I have never seen the entire Live Free or Die Hard movie. I actually had no idea until about a year ago when I caught the tail end of the movie that anything exciting ever happened in the movie. I, of course, had some assumptions, but it wasn't until I came home one day, when FX was on and it was the end of the movie that I got to see the fireball of doom that became the highway in LFoDH, and all of the extra nonsense that comes with a Bruce Willis movie.

I have no idea what happened in Surrogates. I even bought a ticket to see the movie in theatres, and fell asleep about a third of the way in.

My dad and Sharon rented Looper. I have no idea what happened. Partially because I fell asleep, but also because time travel is a bitch.

I fell asleep almost the minute that Bruce Willis came on in Pulp Fiction. I woke up around the time that he got away with stealing all that money after some fight. (This is all information I gleaned from my step brother Nathaniel who loves Pulp Fiction.)

I literally have no idea what happened in The Fifth Element. I usually fall asleep right after he starts flying that car around with the weird ginger girl.

Moonrise Kingdom put me right to sleep. I think the movie was supposedly good, (Nathaniel and Sharon said so) but I woke up around the time of the storm and was forever lost.

And this is why I always want a Bruce Willis movie on when I am sick. While Mother believes that it has to do with movie violence soothing my inner beast, I know that there is just something about Bruce Willis that is incredibly calming, even if he is blowing shit up, shooting someone in the face, or trying to romance a lady. I will admit that I am secretly afraid that if I do ever meet Bruce Willis, I will simply fall into a coma.