The Mayor of Wentzville

When I was in elementary school, I went to a multitude of assemblies. I once went to an assembly where this guy dressed as Ronald McDonald acted out a twisted version of Little Red Riding Hood. I still don't know why he was dressed as Ronald McDonald, nor where the Hamburgler was, but I remember it clearly.

One assembly that held almost no meaning for me, but I still remember was one I attended in second grade.

There are a few reasons I remember this assembly. The first was that my teacher, Mrs. Smith had just went on maternity leave. We went from having this little plump, brown haired woman to this tall blond woman with a strong jaw and short, spiky hair. I remember I once asked her if she played football because of her wide shoulders.

The second reason I remember this assembly is because our class was almost in the front row, right in front of the stage. The stage was sort of this sacred place in my head. Only the girls in gymnastics were ever allowed up there, and in second grade I was way too short to climb up on the stage myself. So you either had to be cool enough, (and have parents rich enough) to be in gymnastics, or be tall enough, (which was another sign of the ultimate coolness) to climb up on the stage.

(As a side note, in fourth grade I actually got to be on the stage for the Christmas Pageant when my music class got to sing. I thought it was very cool. It was only a few months after that that the music teacher was arrested as being a child molester.)

Anyways, I was sitting with my class at the foot of the stage, looking up, waiting for the grand entrance of who knew. The kids in the bleachers were stomp-stomp-clapping their impatience, when finally the curtains were pulled aside and this short white woman with short red and brown hair in a purple pant suit trimmed in gold came out on stage. Her shoes were high heeled and pointy and her teeth were incredibly white. She waved that "I'm famous, please cheer" wave as she walked from the left to the right of the stage and then back to the center where microphone, the American flag and the Missouri flag were positioned.

She was (apparently) the Mayor of Wentzville.

Now she may have told us kids many great lessons that day, but I only remember one. Here was her story:

"I went to a department store one, you know?" She said that a lot, 'you know?' I don't know why we would have. We were ages five to eleven. "Well at the department store, I was trying on things, hats and shirts and scarves, you know? Well I couldn't find anything I liked. You know how that is. So, I left, but I left without knowing that I had..." And she paused for dramatic effect, bending forward slightly and looking all across the gymnasium turned auditorium, "A sticker on the back of my head!" And then she laughed, all high pitched like. She tossed back her head and shook the spikes like she actually had long hair.

"So I walked around the other stores on the strip," when she said this, several kids giggled, "with this sticker on the back of my head, you know?" She proceeded to shake her head from side to side like she was truly embarrassed by this whole ordeal. I didn't see where the story was going, so I started playing with my shoe laces.

"I am walking around, looking in stores, and people are looking at me like I am so crazy, you know? I have this sticker on my head, stuck in my hair, and they see it, you know? And no one stops to tell me. What does that make those people? Mean!" She pointed her first finger at the roof and the stage curtains, placing her hand and microphone on her hip. Some kids nodded, of course those people were mean for not telling her.

"And I probably would have gone the whole day with with sticker on my head until this nice old man came up. And you know what he said?" Nobody said anything. This was obviously the punch line. It was going to uproariously funny, we all just knew it. The Mayor was obviously a funny lady with her hair and her purple suit and her pointy shoes.

"Well he said, 'Ma'am, you've got a sticker in your hair.'" And she nodded. And she looked around at all of us kids, he face reading something like, You know?

"So you see kids, that is why you should always tell someone if something is wrong with them." She smiled and nodded again, and we all clapped. She was obviously some kind of manners prophet, I was just missing it.

"Don't forget to tell your parents to vote for me in the next election!" She waved some more, and smiled with her large white teeth, and exited stage right.

I went home that night, and when my mom and dad asked me what happened at school, I told them with a great amount gusto, "This lady came to our school. She had sticker stuck in her hair, and this old man told her that it was stuck in her hair. That's how you become a good person."

Eric Wants to Eat a Placenta

So, when I met Boyfriend at Beerfest, Ambria also met a boy. His name was Eric. He was a nice enough kid, and other than the buttchin, he was alright to look at, too. After Beerfest, (I am just skipping over that whole drunken night for the moment) I started dating Boyfriend, and Ambria started dating Eric.

(On a completely separate note, Ambria and I have never actually dated people at the same time. We excitedly planned to have a few double dates. I obviously liked Boyfriend, and she seemed smitten with Eric.)

We went to one of Ambria and mine's favorite places first, Mission: Taco. It was fun, and the boys seemed alright hanging out with each other. A few weeks later, we decided to go to another local favorite, Anthonino's.

We sat down for our meal, beers in hand, and started chatting about mundane things. After seriously looking at the menu, Eric said something about the lasagna. He wasn't ordering it, but he said he, "had a funny story."

We ordered our food from the waitress, and then began the beginning of the end for Eric with the Buttchin.

"So have you guys ever thought about eating a placenta?" He begins.

"What?" Ambria and I ask. Ethan sort of just squinted.

"Well I read about this thing where you can eat a placenta. And the recipe I found was for a lasagna. I just always wanted to try it, you know?"

"No..." I deadpanned.

"Well when Dana was having Greyson, I asked, you know? But she said no."

"Did she really?" Ambria asked with more than a touch of sarcasm that seemed lost on Eric.

"Yeah, I guess she didn't think it would be cool, since Greyson isn't mine and all. Sabastian probably could have gotten it, but oh well."

We continued looking at him, not even in mock horror. Just the plain, abject variety.

Later, after dinner was done, (and a hasty topic change), I asked Boyfriend if he wanted to eat a placenta lasagna.

"Oh, god, no."

"Oh, good. I thought I was going to have to break up with you."

Moving Up

Ambria and I got a new apartment.

It looks like this:

 This is a pantry. In the kitchen.

This is the kitchen, where the pantry can be found, to the left.

This is a bedroom. Mine, I think, but of course it is hard to tell.

This is the same bedroom, looking all dandy and fine.

This is the closet in the bathroom. It holds stuff like shampoo and seventeen boxes of tampons. You never want to run out of tampons.

This is the bathroom. Again the closet is to the left.

This is a closet in one of the bedrooms.

This is the other closet in the other bedroom.

This is Ambria's bedroom. You can tell by that forty five degree angled wall. It's such an awkward wall.

Hey look! It's yet another closet.

This is the view from that weird awkward wall.

And this is the view if you walk out of the closet. There is no reason to stand in the closet, but that is what I did for this spectacular picture.

What you didn't get to see is that we have a living room! We have a coffee table that my dad made. It's really sturdy.

That is my beautiful, 64lbs doggy. On my really sturdy table.

We also have a dining room. I don't have a good picture of that though. So instead here is a picture of this weird thing I found on my way to my car from work.

I have no idea what it is.

This is the face Dash (right) made when I told him I was moving.

This is the face Cat/Nubs made when we got to the new place.

This was Nubs when I told her we were moving.

This is me when I was attempting to pack. Obviously I was failing miserably.

More pictures of me attempting to pack.

This was full of clothes. I packed four of these bins and still had clothes.

These were some of my shoes. I packed them in a suitcase because I thought it would be easier to transport.

This is me with a spider on my head. It was after I packed but hadn't quite moved. I was a little slap happy.

After all of the looking and searching for an apartment, and then the actual finding of said apartment and signing the lease and whatever, we actually had to move. Which as two little skinny girls, we weren't all that well equipped to move. Thankfully I had Boyfriend. And Boyfriend had two eighteen year old twin brothers.

They helped me move all my stuff, plus the new rug and couch my dad and Sharon bought me. Basically they were super awesome.

And then the next weekend Ambria's step-dad and uncle helped her move. And then we were moved in.

Now that we are here, we've started making it our own. We got a painting of a tiger. We named him Joseph. And we got a painting of this creepy ginger boy with a broom. Ambria got a new comforter, and we got new orange and pink towels to match our bathroom. All in all, it's been a little adventure.

The toilet has clogged twice already for no apparent reason. And the hot water is really fucking hot. Like hotter than hell on fire in a boiling pot and shot with lasers.

But the fixer people are usually prompt, and we don't usually see anyone that lives under us ever except for the Basement Troll. And Nubsy seems to be enjoying herself with the increased space and all of the windows to look out of. And I am definitely liking being back in the city.

Bruce Willis is My Kryptonite

Boyfriend got me sick about a week ago. Now, it wasn't a horrible kind of sick, I wasn't puking my guts out, but I did have that gross joint pain that I associate with all sickness and agony.

Naturally I went to the local grocery store down the street and got myself Nyquil. I knew from many past experiences that joint pain coupled with a stuffy nose that would not stop running would lead to me not being able to sleep. And I like my sleep.

Boyfriend, feeling horrible for transmitting what I assumed was the Black Plague, came over to try and comfort me in my dying hours. I took a double dose of Nyquil, and calmly asked for him to find a Bruce Willis movie on Netflix.

"What?"

"You know, he is normally bald and plays in like action trash movies, but because he is the star, they are kind of classy?"

"I know who Bruce Willis is. Don't you want to watch a nice movie? Like, I don't know, The Sound of Music?"

I looked at him like he had grown a penis out of his forehead, (which, ladies, while that might be gross, it could also be...useful) and just crossed my arms.

"Bruce Willis puts me to sleep." I didn't feel that there needed to be much more of an explanation than that, but he felt very differently.

I have never seen the entire Live Free or Die Hard movie. I actually had no idea until about a year ago when I caught the tail end of the movie that anything exciting ever happened in the movie. I, of course, had some assumptions, but it wasn't until I came home one day, when FX was on and it was the end of the movie that I got to see the fireball of doom that became the highway in LFoDH, and all of the extra nonsense that comes with a Bruce Willis movie.

I have no idea what happened in Surrogates. I even bought a ticket to see the movie in theatres, and fell asleep about a third of the way in.

My dad and Sharon rented Looper. I have no idea what happened. Partially because I fell asleep, but also because time travel is a bitch.

I fell asleep almost the minute that Bruce Willis came on in Pulp Fiction. I woke up around the time that he got away with stealing all that money after some fight. (This is all information I gleaned from my step brother Nathaniel who loves Pulp Fiction.)

I literally have no idea what happened in The Fifth Element. I usually fall asleep right after he starts flying that car around with the weird ginger girl.

Moonrise Kingdom put me right to sleep. I think the movie was supposedly good, (Nathaniel and Sharon said so) but I woke up around the time of the storm and was forever lost.

And this is why I always want a Bruce Willis movie on when I am sick. While Mother believes that it has to do with movie violence soothing my inner beast, I know that there is just something about Bruce Willis that is incredibly calming, even if he is blowing shit up, shooting someone in the face, or trying to romance a lady. I will admit that I am secretly afraid that if I do ever meet Bruce Willis, I will simply fall into a coma.

Horribly Neglectful, I Know

So, I haven't posted in a while, (no, I don't know how long because I want to live in denial and pretend it has only been a few weeks, when in reality I think it has actually been three months or something).

I am deeply sorry. I am a useless human being, but I have several good, (and possibly astounding) reasons!

The first would be that I didn't have internet for a long time. "How long?" you ask? Well, I have somewhere near fifty shows in my Hulu queue that need to be watched and are dangerously close to expiring. And I love my television shows.

The second reason: I got myself a boyfriend. Yes, you read that right. A real deal boyfriend. Now I realize that Boyfriend should not take away from my duties as a kind hearted blogger with a potty mouth, but he sort of did. He is very pretty though, so hopefully you all can understand? Here is a picture of Boyfriend.

Ignore me, looking drunk as fuck. Because I was. This was at my Uncle's Beerfest. And my great pick up line to Ethan? "Hey, so do you wanna, like, make-out?"

A third reason I have been incredibly absent? I moved! To a new apartment! With my kitty in tow. And I have a roommate. Only my bestest friend ever, Miss Ambria. Here is a picture proving why we needed to move in together:

See, yet another match made in heaven.

So, yes, there have been a few good reasons for not posting recently. But to make amends, tonight I am going to ignore Boyfriend, Ambria, and Nubs, (that would be the cat formerly known as Cat) and write and schedule some posts that I think everyone will be highly amused by. Just so you all know what is coming, upcoming topics with cover Bruce Willis, my first kiss, talking to the HP tech support, an actual detailed account of moving, more interesting things about Boyfriend, meeting the Mayor of Wentzville, and a very serious discussion about a placenta lasagna.

So stay tuned!