Prefacing a Conversation

I freak out about a lot of things. Like the fact that my apartment is always never clean. I never do anything about the chaos, but still, I sometimes walk in the door and I say, "God, what the fuck is wrong with me that I can't keep this space clean?"


Other things that freak me out: When I am sure that I left the bag of chocolate chips on my futon and they mysteriously end up on the counter. When I realize that I am fifteen minutes late to watching Criminal Minds and I have missed a very shirtless Shemar Moore. When I stick my feet into the wrong slippers, (they are dog heads, and the one that has one eye definitely goes on my left foot... I think.) When someone says, "Turn left," I look at my hands, see which way they want me to go, and turn right anyways.


Those things generally make me freak out, put my hands on my face and go, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" While others may find this reaction highly amusing, it is a true freak out on my part. Sometimes I go even farther and stomp my feet or grumble loudly but incoherently about whatever my problem is. I have even been known to smack my forehead and leave a veritable mark.


But the thing that freaks me out the most is when people send me text messages out of the blue with, "We need to talk."


There is NO point in time that that is a good way to start a conversation.


Dad: "We need to talk."
This was his way of telling me that we needed to discuss the fact that I was rarely ever home, and that if I want to keep using the car, I needed to buy it. That was a huge money suck.


Mom: "We need to talk."
This is her way of telling me that she might, maybe have skin cancer. That was a cool way of finding out. (Turns out she actually did, just not the super serious kind. It was just a few patches of basal cell carcinoma.)


Regina: "We need to talk."
Her way of telling me that she has done something that is possibly tremendously stupid and while her parents are in earshot.


Chris: "We need to talk."
His way of telling me that he wants to break up with me because he doesn't love me the same anymore. Then again to tell me after said break up, and while he is with a new girl friend that he definitely still has hardcore feeling for me.


Like I said, at no point is "We need to talk," a good thing.


So, please.... PLEASE don't preface any conversation with me as a "We need to talk," conversation because I can guarantee  that I will be freaking out until you tell me what it is you wanna say.


And as an extra side note, if I say something like, "I don't like it when people preface a conversation with 'We need to talk,' because it is foreboding, and is relationship ruining words." Do not tell me NOT to worry about it, because I will worry about it until I have hair falling out, I am sweating all the time, I get a fever, and have chewed my nails down to nubs.


Seriously people. I am secretly neurotic!