It's Silly to Have Called My Absence a Hiatus

I haven't been on a hiatus. And I mean that in the sense that I didn't say to myself, "Gosh, I really have nothing to blog about, lets keep the readers waiting! Something grand should be happening soon!"

In actuality, I have been doing exactly what my blog was initially about: moving. I moved from the apartment Ambria and I shared and into a house with her and my boyfriend. If that isn't moving up, I don't know what is! But along with the move, I guess I have been ridiculously stressed out. And I guess that comes with the territory of moving in with someone knew, and everyone sort of relearning schedules and working around each other and also with each other.

I have also been having a crazy work schedule which really doesn't help establish good patterns for making a Home Life work. It's been an adjustment, especially when figuring out things like bills, and adjusting what should and should not be my income I use for silly things, like bras or video games.

And honestly I think with the extra hiccups along the way, (there are so many more fucking dishes...) its hard to establish what I wanted from mine and Ethan's relationship, along with reestablishing that my relationship with Ambria is incredibly important to me. And then also setting up the line of communication between all the sets of parents, (mine, Ethan's and Ambria's). I feel like relationships, and maintaining them as strongly as they were before moving out, or moving away, or just changing location is really hard. You have to put in constant effort to make sure that everyone knows they are loved and cared for.

And then there is the balancing act of saying to your partner, "Hey! I need more from you!"

Something that was really stressing me out, and what was making me crazy angry without me even realizing, was that Ethan wasn't doing what I had expected from him. During the weekdays we only have a small window of time where we got to see each other. I would basically be walking out the door when he was coming home from work. And what I expected from him is to come over and sit with me, tell me about his day, give me a hug and a kiss.

Instead he was running upstairs to get his computer going so he could play some variety of online game, (World of Warcraft or Counterstrike or Dark Souls II). And don't read to far into this; I don't mind that he is a gamer. I game too!

It just got to the point where I was really frustrated that he wasn't meeting my need for affection and human contact, and yes this is the same girl who lived in a studio by herself for over a year. I eventually had to have a talk with him, which I am sure he thought was some sort of break up talk. (I guess the rule of never saying, "We need to talk!" should have been applied to this situation. And when I phrased it in a way that he thought it implied that I needed him to "prove" he loved me, I had to take a step back and really make it known how I felt.

"I want you to just come home and for that half hour before I leave for you and you've just gotten home, I want to just live in a little bubble of you and me." He finally understood that he was taking time away from Us to simply satisfy his boredom. And after talking about it, it got better. I appreciated that in a way that I can't even begin to put to words. Listening to someone, and then making an effort to change how you do something is a great form of love when you want to make them happy.

I guess the heart of the reason for me having not written though is based solely on the fact that I have been just stressed enough to not be able to put to words everything in my life. Ethan and I adopted a dog, (he is wonderful, and there will be pictures soon), I figured out what I am going to do with my life, (medical technology) I became basically the sole person who can do everything at my job which basically means I not only the person who has to come in everyday, but I am the teacher of all the procedures, and basically on call on the weekends.

And at least the whole "figuring out my life" bit takes away a small amount of stress, the whole "getting my degree," thing is a brand knew stressor. Especially when I am going to have to take out loans and such, (until recently I wasn't even sure how loans worked!).

Ultimately, I have just been feeling a little overwhelmed by the task that is Life, and that has always taken a tole on my writing. I feel sometime that in order to be Me I need to be happy, bubbly, or carefree, and what I am feeling on the inside is more or less constant thinking and analyzing and being retrospective, especially about myself. And that also makes it hard for me to write because I like to write in a carefree happy manner.

I just don't like to be a Debby Downer! (Sigh. I feel like I am though, who wants to readabout stress, or at least someone else being stressed, when basically the whole world is stressed?)

I do have some actual real things planned to write about though in the future. One is even a three parter! So do please stay tuned. I am going to at the very least have something written on Saturday, mostly because I think that will be the day that there is good news, (with a long explanation before hand of all the bad that has happened).

There is also going to be a story about how my dog broke his leg, which is basically a sad story but it taught me about loans! So that is cool/twisted. And spoiler, he is actually all better which is a relief since I love taking him hiking and walking and running and swimming.

Shoes vs. Sex

When I buy shoes, there is instant gratification. I open the box, and there they are, beautiful, perfect shoes, sometimes with little buckles or bling, sometimes in fun colors, with a great heal, or a bow on the toe. They smell clean and fresh, and are almost always wrapped in pretty tissue paper. There is nothing quite like getting something in mail or at the store that can instant light up your day. I slip on my new shoes and prance around looking at my newly decked out feet, and it simply feels awesome.

Sex is not always like getting a new pair of shoes. I will even throw it out there and say that for women, especially women my age that aren't quite sure what they want to go on in the bedroom, there isn't always that instant gratification with sex. Guys don't always know what we want, so while they may be totally satisfied, we ladies might be left feeling underwhelmed.

See, I haven't been seriously seeing anyone since November. I have casually dated some guys, but no one I wanted to jump into bed with right away. So I made the decision to go off birth control. I have been using it for three years, and honestly, the stuff can ring up quite a bill. Certainly not as much as spawning a tiny human, but it is still costly for a poor college student like myself. And again, since I am not even remotely thinking about just suddenly jumping someone's bones, I am not super worried about anything happening.

I would definitely call my doctor up to get an appointment and get a fresh prescription for some good ole BC the second I thought I wanted to have a serious relationship with someone. But again, I have yet to have the fancy strike me, so I think I will wait.

Especially since I realized around February that what I was spending on birth control translates into a new pair of shoes almost every month.

So really it comes down to what do I like more? Shoes, shoe, shoes and more shoes or sex?

It's a hard question. I know that when I get a new pair of shoes, I am instantly satisfied. Opening a new box of shoes has me smiling all day. Showing them off at school, work, or just out in the world and getting compliments on them makes me feel really, really good. Certainly not orgasm good, but a shoe compliment can make me feel happy all day, and maybe into the next.

Plus, there is always the question with sex: will I get what I am after? Guys almost always do. But again, ladies don't. Even with all the direction in the world, sometimes we just don't get there.

So again, there is this debate: do I want to know that I will be instantly elated or chance it. It helps that I really do know exactly what I want from a guy, and I am not afraid to ask for it. I am usually looking at an eight out of ten chance.

But... shoes... Every month!

For my shoe addiction there is the added plus that I am not seeing anyone at the moment. I mean, that really, really helps.

What doesn't help my shoe addiction is that I am feeling rather inclined to get myself a serious relationship. Because... It has been since November. That really is a lot of shoes already. I think I can put those on the way side for a while. Right?