I realize that I have been on an exceedingly long hiatus, and for that I am sorry. Honestly, it feels like I have had no reason to not post. I really should have been. This year had not been incredibly difficult, nor has there been trials such as last year, (namely my grandfather dying, my dog dying, my car exploding, and a once good friend showing her true colors).
But I have not posted recently. In a few months, I will have had a full year away from my blog that I dearly love. There is something comforting about getting online and seeing so many views, knowing that someone stumbled across my humble work and laughed at how ridiculous I am, or how silly my friends are.
While I cannot pinpoint why I took such a long hiatus, I can attest that the above incidents in my life did effect me in a great, and very painful way. I don't know who wouldn't be effected by the death of a loved one. The realistic part of me says, "He was almost ninety years old," and that means that I should therefore be able to get over the loss of my grandfather. But the reality is that no matter how much I try to reason away feelings, I am a very emotional person and his passing has left is mark on me.
Losing my dog had also left a lasting impression, mostly because of my lack, my mother's lack, and Adam lack of ability to do anything for this furry creature we loved so unconditionally and who loved us back in the same way. It's hard to say that we could have paid to have this huge tumor removed from his stomach, but that meant the difference between making Cooper better and paying bills, buying groceries, getting gas. We loved our stinky, black dog who was afraid of new people and little dogs. We couldn't make him better, and watching him whither away to the point where he couldn't stand on his own still saddens me.
My friend, or I suppose former friend, turning on me like she did has left a lasting impression. I have questioned myself, wondering why I picked Regina as a friend that I left stick around like I did. Basically I came to the conclusion that my own personality; my inability to give up things I feel passionately about and my loyalty to my friends and family was my greatest weakness with Regina. I loved and card about her so much that I was willing to look past her anger and bitterness. I was willing to simply allow her to treat me like I was less because of how much I had come to live and care for her. And it hurt me so much to not only give up on our friendship, but to recognize that no matter how much I want to be right about someone, I am simply not always right.
Now these are most of the depressing things, but there have been many good things. Ambria and I living in our apartment has gone splendidly well, and that probably had been part of the hiatus. We are able to hang out with each other, plan things to do together, and basically have a greater companionship than even that of our highschool days. Without having my alone time that was usual in the studio, I find myself not shutting people or opportunities down. Instead of seeking my solitude, I have someone to hang with, and that makes blogging slightly harder. (Not that it's bad, I just need to make real, good time for myself and my writing pursuits.)
Besides having a wonderful friend and roommate, I also have met a wonderful guy. And yes, I do give him a lot of my time. But it's because I genuinely care about him and feel like it is necessary for him to know how much I appreciate his calm, gentle and living presence. Honestly, I can see myself being with him for years and years. And while the adults in my life have given me the life lesson to not assume someone will be your forever, I hope Ethan won't ever break my heart.
I have also gotten a new job working in a lab, which is something i think I want to do. It's a great internship, and while the past isn't amazing, I am learning so much that I simply haven't learned in any classroom. Some of the work is tedious, but every new experiment had been something new and interesting for me to learn, and it has definitely kept me busy.
Another big change recently has been an addition to move and Ambria's furry family. We adopted a new kitten, who had been keeping mine, Ambria's, and Nubs' hands full. Besides Nubs love/hate relationship with Shakira, Ambria and I have been having to make sure the two cats don't actually injure each other in a scratch fest of epic proportions.
So, in total, those are some of the things that's been keeping me busy. And while I will concede that none of those things are actually the sole responsible reason, they have all been playing a role in me ignoring my duties as a writer.
My vow is to do better. I won't be promising a post a week, but I am going to try to at least post biweekly. Maybe my New Years goal will be to post weekly, but for now, I think I won't hold myself up to such a high standard.
(Half of my trepidation has been fear of letting down my readers, so please don't hate me for the long silence. It's not that I didn't want to write, it's just that I have felt unable to provide work that could be up to par. I will be posting again, and soon. And yes, at least one post will be about the magic of manatees.)
No comments:
Post a Comment