I desperately needed food in my studio. There was no way around it. It was only a matter of time before Adam noticed that there was the same amount of food leaving the house every week even though I had officially "left."
So I sat in my tall green bar stools, swinging my legs, sighing, growling, and groaning. I had an inky pen in hand, a three subject notebook on the table, and a cup of coffee swirling with cream and enough sugar to put me into diabetic shock.
I smiled, because I knew I needed coffee. I wrote that down. And creamer. And sugar. And flour. Obviously I needed brown sugar. I looked at my fridge in contemplation. I needed milk, (a half gallon of course). And pretty soon my list started to look like a legitimate grocery list.
I had oatmeal, cereal, pasta, orange juice, tampons and pads, toilet paper, toothpaste, a toothbrush, coffee filters, salt, pepper, basil, thyme, oregano, garlic powder, onion powder, and of course tubs and tuns of ice cream.
"Gina!" I called. She was in the bathroom. "I have a list and I am ready to go." I hopped down from my retro chair and pulled on my Vans. I looked down noticing that while it was definitely sixty-nine degrees in my house and my very short black running shorts that kind of showed the bottom of my ass cheeks was totally fine to walk around in in here, they were not the most appropriate attire to grocery shop in.
Then again, what did I care?
Gina on the other hand still had the fresh-washed look about her. Long shiny hair, a nice blue long sleeve shirt, jeans that were worn just right, and she was slipping on my four inch brown boots.
"You know we are going to the store, right?" It was a fashion show.
"Oh yeah, but I love these shoes." I loved those shoes too. Every time I saw them, it was like love at first sight. My heart went pitter patter looking at them.
"Okie dokie, let's get a move on." We went out to my silver Elentra, hopped in, and headed over to Schnucks.
I didn't follow the list. As I saw if, lists were more like a general, hazy outline that you could follow if you wanted. I wondered the isle picking up things I liked. Gina looked frustratingly at my list.
"That wasn't on the list," she said when I threw in some random item of food I enjoyed eating.
"That's okay," I said, in a complete zen mode.
"We just passed an isle that has this stuff," she added, circling a chunk of my list.
"We can come back, no worries!" I felt like saying, "Hakuna Matata" but was afraid she wouldn't get it right away.
I smiled as I pulled the cart along, grabbing important things like butter and cheese, each their own food group in my head. I looked back and Gina was gone. I shrugged knowing she would find me. I didn't move very fast.
She came back with a bunch of stuff in her arms and deposited the items carefully into the basket.
"You know," she said, "I could get all of these items while you...browse..." I was obviously boring her with my lackadaisical stroll through the grocery store.
I laughed. "Come on," I said, picking up my speed just a little, "Let's go pick out toilet paper." It was the most important part of the shopping list.
I knew I wanted Charmin. It was ultra soft. I looked at the bags, read all the labels, but couldn't quite remember which I liked. So I busted a little hole in the bags and petted the toilet paper. I looked like a crazy lady who probably owned a dozen cats and ate her hair.
Still, I exclaimed loudly to the world, "This! This is the one!" I made my proclamation as a king might, my voice deep and jovial.
Gina laughed at me as I chucked the toilet paper in the cart and we moved onto our other toiletry needs.
And that was when it happened.
We were standing there in the tampon isle, Gina carefully examining the different brands of pads, and me, bouncing on the rungs of the cart in a bored way, when my left foot cramped up.
"AH!" I yelped in surprise. I kicked my shoe off quickly and pulled my toes up.
"What are you doing?" Gina chuckled.
"It's my foot," I cried, bouncing and holding it. "I have a mother fucking charlie horse in my arch!" I whimpered, trying to force my foot to behave.
"Just keep stretching it. It will go away." She picked up another box and compared the two.
I held my foot up and stood in the isle like I was a freaking cheerleader or something. All I needed was a pompom and a megaphone and I could have cheered Gina on. "Go tampons!" I could scream loudly in Schnucks.
I whimpered when Gina had finally made her decision and was ready to move to the next isle.
I straightened my foot out and yelped again like a kicked dog.
"What the fuck!" I barked loudly, pulling my toes up. In the back of my head, I knew my hand probably smelled like foot now.
"Its still cramping?"
"Stupid, shitty ass foot. I should just cut it off!" I growled as I looked around for a knife.
Gina's eyes grew wide when she realized what I was looking for. "Hey, hey, calm down!" She starting unzipping my boots.
"What are you doing?" I was standing in the middle of the tampon isle, hopping around on one foot, cradling my other one, in the shortest shorts I could find, an almost see-through tank top, and Gina was handing me my four inch brown leather boots.
"Put these on. It will keep your toes curled up." I complied, glad I had put my socks that hit at mid calf on.
I looked at myself when we finished switching shoes. Gina still looked like a cute little skater girl, and I looked a model that got lost in a grocery store.
Gina and I laughed. Hard. Like the gut busting laugh that other people heard and joined in on. After tears were starting to wet my eyes, Gina had me pose for a picture.
We made the last of our rounds and went to check out. Gina pulled out her items: a box of pad, tampons, an two things of creamer. She paid for them while I loaded up the conveyor belt with all of my groceries.
The check out guy was cute, and taller than me even in my super tall shoes. He probably thought I looked like an idiot. I flirted with him.
"Wow," I said, smiling and leaning forward just a little bit, "You were very fast." I wasn't lying. By the time I got to the card swiper my total was already up.
"Uh, yeah." He looked at his screen. "Total is one twenty." I nodded as I swiped my card and smiled at him again.
"Thanks so much," I said after he gave me my receipt and Gina and I sashayed away. When we were finally out the door, Gina and I giggled like little school girls.
"He was so cute!" Gina squealed.
"I know!" I loaded the groceries into my trunk. We hopped in the car, my bare legs freezing in the cold wind. I blasted the heat as we drove by the windows slowly. "I know when I am going shopping again!" I cast one last glance at the cute check out boy and we drove home.
We arrived at my studio, and loaded our arms up with all the groceries. We didn't want to make two trips out into the cold. Even though I tottered on my tall heels, we made it in one piece down all the stairs.
I carefully took off my left boot and straightened my foot.
"Success!" I roared in triumph. "No more cramping!" I wiggled my toes at Gina and she smiled. She knew I would not have said a word about my foot hurting if it wasn't horribly painful.
"Next time," I said, "You wear the short shorts."
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