Bruised, Cold, and Wet

Christmas Eve I spent with my dad, step mom, and step brother out at my Grandma's house. The roast was so overcooked, it was like chewing on a hockey puck covered in warm red wine. Which Grandma had made as a sauce to put over it, but had forgotten to boil the alcohol out of. And since I was first in getting the "sauce," I basically poured a whole bottle of this warm red wine on my steak puck. And was then properly inebriated the rest of the night and played an amazing game of pool.

On Christmas, I woke up in my old room. I didn't have pajamas at my dad's house, so was simply decked out in one of my dad's shirts. My dad isn't a huge guy, but wearing his shirts makes me feel like a very little kid again. I practically swim in them. The t-shirt sleeve is so long that it goes halfway down my forearm. The shirt was so long that it reached almost the top of my knee. It was totally ridiculous, but I loved it. It felt like Christmas now that I was running down the stairs in my dad's shirt like a really little kid.

Christmas began with coffee and Sharon making breakfast, then we opened presents. My dog, Dash, excitedly tore open his presents only to become scared of the oinking, silicon pig. I got several girly things like a sweater dress, earrings, nail polish, and very eighties sparkling eye make-up. It was almost ten thirty though, and had to get dressed. I still had to go to my mom's house, then my aunt's house. And Gina had also texted me to come by. I was a very busy lady.

So I ran upstairs, put on my Christmas Eve outfit of black butterfly lights, a short cream colored lacy skirt, a low cut scoop shirt, and tall black "sexy secretary" shoes. My dad shook his head at me.

"Don't wear that to your aunt's."

"I am not going to," I said with a laugh. "They will just tease me, and then tell me how I shouldn't be so rude as to dress up everyone I am related to." He patted my head, even though we were now the same height, and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

"Have fun," he told me, as I scooped up my brother's present. Dad and Alex still weren't talking.

I climbed in the car and drove up the two blocks to Gina's house. I knocked, and was given hugs as everyone told me how nice I looked. I thanked them and Gina had me open my present. I knew she really listened to me when I bemoaned the fact I didn't have enough pictures at my new place. She had collected tons of pictures of us and framed them. It was a fabulous present, much better than sparkly eighties make-up. Though I do love sparkles.

I thanked her and hugged her goodbye because I really had to get to my mom's. I drove like a mad woman, mostly cause no one else was on the road, and I figured cops would be generous on Christmas Day.

I got to my mom's house in record time and called Alex up to help me with getting all "this crap" out of my car. He dutifully helped me out like a good little brother and even held the door open for me.

Mom and Adam gave me the "look" when they saw my very formal outfit.

"Don't worry, this is from last night."

Mom's eyes grew big. "You wore that to your grandmother's?" I looked down. Somehow my skirt had scooted up to mid-thigh during the drive. I pulled it down appropriately.

"I didn't mean to have it the short!" Mom continued to shake her head like I had literally lost my marbles. We handed out presents and I got even more practical things like coffee mugs and a blender. It was a good Christmas so far. 

When mom looked at the time, I told her I was gonna go jump in the shower and then put on a less dressy outfit, and had Alex carry my heavier presents over to my studio. He obliged and followed me over. I sent him away with a smile and a wave then jumped in the shower.

I had never showered so quickly in my life. I pulled on my new sweater dress and skinny jeans and practical flats, tied my hair in a side ponytail, then went back to my mom's house. Mom seemed to like my retro hairdo. We grabbed the presents for my aunt, uncle, and little cousin and headed outside.

That was when mom informed me the I was driving. I bit my lip, because I wanted to say no. But it was Christmas, and she was offering to fill my tank. I drove out to my aunt's, almost an hour drive when Adam takes us out there, but turned it into a forty minutes cruise. I may have been speeding almost the whole way.

Everyone greeted everyone, and we all waited to do food and presents. When it finally came time, I wasn't all that hungry, but ate. If I wouldn't have everyone would probably question if I was anorexic. Which I am not, because I eat almost all day long. That doesn't negate the fact that I am almost always force fed by aunts, grandmas and friends.

We finally got to opening presents. Grandma had made me this super awesome quilt with frilly things, and my aunt had gotten me two necklaces. One had my zodiac sign, Cancer, on it, which I really liked, but the other one had the chinese symbol for sheep. I was a monkey. I thanked Tracy, but deigned not to tell her she was wrong about the Chinese thing. I also chose not to tell my other grandparents that they spelled my name wrong every year.

While the visit wasn't particularly excruciating, I was glad to leave. It's not that I don't enjoy seeing my mom's side of the family, it's just that I don't ever have much to say unless my cousin Sabastian is there. We are less than a year apart, and are pretty much like twins. Since he wasn't there, I was just lounging in a chair and slowly falling asleep.

Mom made sure to let me have coffee before we left, and then we began the long drive home. Adam and mom fell asleep in the backseat, and Alex read a zombie book. That left me to my iPod and singing loudly and terribly off key.

When we got home, I went back to my place, and decided to see if Gina wanted to hang out again. She complained about how all her menfolk were wanting to hit her up. I suggested they all go ice skating with us at the outdoor ice rink in the park.

Amusingly enough, when she actually wanted to do something other than make out, they all turned her down except one. Bryan, who she had met during the summer through one of my friends from work, was all for it. He was apparently a lover of ice skating and had played hockey for several years. I was never a huge fan of Bryan, because he kind of acted like a douche bag, but I didn't care.

Gina and I got to the ice rink, and Gina bought the rental for me since I didn't have cash. We tied our skates on while the zamboni cleaned the ice off.

This is the point where I mention that I cannot ice skate. At all. I have been ice skating four times previous, and each time, I have seriously injured myself. The first time, I bruised my tail bone so bad, I couldn't sit down for a week. The second and third time left my hipbones bruised black and blue, and the fourth time, my knee was banged up so bad I couldn't straighten it out.

Needless to say, I was not the most excited person to get out on the ice. I wasn't scared, per say, but I was wary. Gina pulled me onto the ice and held my hand and carted me around. I basically didn't move and screamed like a baby every time someone brushed by me.

When Bryan showed up, drunk, he took it upon himself to train me.

I felt like a failure of epic proportions when I couldn't even get myself to move forward. I was flailing my arms about, trying my damnedest to swim through the air. At some point though, his lessons started to work.

There was the constant, "Bend your knees, lean forward, look up," but I was started to get the hang of the skates. I felt foolish that I was holding onto his hands for dear life, but I was finally learning.

I fell three times. The first time wasn't so bad, and I was able to get up with assistance, but mostly by myself. I was grinning like a loon, but I was actually enjoying myself. The second time hurt a little more, but I didn't feel it too much.

Third time, when I was on my second go around the rink with no assistance, I fell so hard, I thought I broke my ass. I was laughing my ass off, because no matter what I tried, I could not get up. It was like I had gone paraplegic. Bryan skated around me, like a pro, and just hauled me up by my armpits.

I was laughing so hard, I was crying. If I hadn't looked like a crazy person before, I was now. Because here I was, like a newborn colt trying to walk, and Gina and Bryan were skating gurus. But I was okay with that, because I was finally learning! I was so proud of myself. I made it around the rink twice! Twice!

Sure, I was cold, very bruised on my left side, and had tears and snot frozen onto my face, but, by golly, I was freaking skating, by myself!

And a big thanks goes to Gina's not boyfriend, Bryan. Who was ridiculously patient with me. Not only did he teach me how to skate a little bit, but he didn't make fun of all of my obvious panic. My jeans were soaked, I was freezing my ass off, and I was in serious need of ibuprofen, but I was just extremely thankful that somebody was finally helping me do things right.

I gave him the biggest hug and we shared several high fives. It was like suddenly he decided that I wasn't a bitchy badass anymore. I was just as dorky as I have always said I was.

There was a Christmas miracle after all.

The Stove

I decided that since I was finally all the way, (mostly) moved in, it was time to tackle the stove and oven.


I was sorely unprepared for the taste. What I initially thought was an easy task of switching out the little foil things, giving the coils and silver rims a good scrubbing, and then reassembling the oven became a monumental task of degreaser and scrubby sponge verses a centimeter or more of thick, black grease and grime.


In one corner, we had the yellow degreaser and two new sponges with the green scrubby sides. In the other corner, we had a harvest yellow stove from the 1950's that may have never have actually been cleaned in its whole existence.


Thankfully, Gina was actually with me on this adventure. She was more knowledgable about the cleaning. We went to work.


I soaked the greasy, grimy silver circles that held the coils up normally, and the bowls that must have originally been silver in color in a hot tub of water in the sink. Gina took a plastic butter knife and scraped chunks of grease out from the inside of the stove.


The disgust was written all over our faces as my trash can filled with solidified burnt grease. Gina threatened on several occasions to vomit.


Finally, I had to call my brother.


"Hey, Alex?" I said into the phone walking into the living room.


"Sista'!" I could hear him creaking in the computer chair.


"Could you do me a favor?" I asked, twirling the invisible cord like I used to do before cell phones.


"Maybe..." This was how all our deals were made. There was a mutual understanding that if I did something for him, I would require some form of payment. If he did something for me, I had to pay him back somehow.


"Trust me," I said, still twirling that invisible cord, "It'll be worth it!" I was sure he could hear the manic smile.


"What do you want?"


"Could you bring over the vacuum cleaner with the hose attachments, and the foil bowl things you put in the stove top. Ask Adam what they are, and he can tell you where to find them."


"Can I ask why you need the vacuum cleaner? I thought you just bought one." I could hear him sighing as he got up to do my bidding.


"Well, I am cleaning my stove, and I need to vacuum it." It seemed logical to me.


"You are one strange bird, sister."


"Thank you, brother!" I hung up. He was going to understand what I need the vacuum for soon enough.


I opened the front door so he could come in, then went back to work cleaning the things that I had left to soak in the sink. Gina and I worked in silence, except for little "ughs" and "eww!" I heard my brother's familiar heavy breathing as he swung open the screen door. He had the vacuum and the aluminum bowl things I needed.


"Now tell me why you need this vacuum." I motioned with a pointed finger under the left front coil.


"Look under the coil." He did.


"Yuck! What is all that?" That was burnt peanut shells, a Swedish fish wrapper, pools of grease, and other crunched up burnt foods.


"That is why we need the vacuum cleaner with the hose," Gina explained, scraping another swatch of grease out from under another coil.


"I can see that. Imma let you guys take care of that. Call me when you're done." He left, running barefoot out by the woods to mom's house. I hooked up the vacuum cleaner and started sucking all the crap out from the stove top. When that was finished, Gina scrubbed all the crap out of there too, and we were finally ready to start using the sponges.


I flipped mine over to the green side and got to work. After my sponge got stuck in the grease four times, no matter how much degreaser I convinced it to soak up, the green scrubs began to tear off and were stuck under the stove.


"Shit," I cursed, looking closely at the state of my sponge. It was shredded and pulled bare, like it was ten years old and not fresh out of the package. Gina had a similar result.


Annoyed, I attacked the stove with a vengeance, scrapping and swiping up the grease. It started to look cleaner, little by little. After two hours of straight cleaning, Gina and I gave into our grumbling, angry tummies.


"Fine!" I yelled at my stomach, looking at it with disdain. Why wasn't life like the Sims? Instead of eating, I could just cheat my moodlets away! But life wasn't like the Sims, so I made the executive decision to feed both Gina and me.


We reconstructed the stove, drained the sink and began washing our hands. I started freaking out when the grease would just not come off my hands. After several washes, I was clean enough to do surgery with my bare hands.


I called Alex up again and asked him to take the vacuum back. He said he would be over in a minute, so I fetched his present out of the freezer. He swung my screen door open again and the familiar labored breathing was there.


"Here," I said, handing him a quarter pound of dark chocolate fudge. "I bought this in Michigan for you."


"Holy shit!" He inspected the fudge, then dropped it in his pocket. I always wondered why guys got to have pockets that were practically a foot deep, and girls only had pocket that could barely fit a roll of quarters.


"Just for you," I said, rolling the vacuum over to him. He scooped it up under his arm like a lumberjack and tipped an imaginary hat at us.


"Good day, ladies," he said, using his english voice and getting that goofy, semi-creepy face that looked like the cat had definitely caught the mouse.


He left, and again I found myself wondering what giant gene had grown him.


While I made dinner, Gina made the bed. (A slightly annoying habit of hers.) I pointed out that it was just going to get unmade in "like an hour." She shrugged.


"Hey, can you not spoon me tonight?"


"I didn't spoon you last night."


"Incorrect!" I pointed my wooden spoon at her. "You kept grabbing me and like the freaking Hulk, you would drag me across the bed and spoon me."


"No way!" She shook her head. "I definitely did not do that!"


"You did! But it's not like it was really all that bad," I shrugged.


"Why not?" She raised an eyebrow.


"Well, you were wearing pants, at least."


"Yes, at least I was wearing pants!"

A Mild Case of Alcohol Poisoning

Recently, one of my friends, Carl, who has been previously mentioned, had a birthday party. He turned twenty. Gina, Christina and I all went. I pride myself on the fact that I was able to find the party place all by myself, following directions, and barely got lost. We pulled up to the house, saw that it was bopping, and parked.


I was wearing my ridiculously tall brown leather boots, a tight purple tank top and long jeans with the holes in the thighs. Basically, I was smoking hot. We opened the door, and we were immediately greeted by all of Carl's friends from school. Gina and Christina knew them, but I didn't. We hadn't gone to the same high school.


People greeted me with handshakes and eyes that said, "Well, don't you look familiar?" I smiled and introduced myself. They continued to give me that look of, I know you, but I don't know where from.


Marcel stood up when he saw us and gave me a very tight hug. I think he was just squishing my boobs onto him.


We let ourselves into the kitchen, and like a good bartender, I poured Gina and I matching drinks of vodka and Kool-aid. We clinked plastic cups and looked towards the party in the other room. Carl came in and said, "Come on! All the white people need to come hang with us black folks!" Then he gave Gina a hug and then gave me another super squishy hug.


We followed him into the living room where a card game called Taboo was starting up. I sat down next to Marcel and seriously started to read the rules. Basically, you had to get your group to say the word on your card with out saying the word, or the words or ideas that pertain to. Those secondary words were listed below the actual word.


"Oh, lord," I said, taking a swig of my concoction.


"What?" Marcel asked me, taking the rules from me.


"I am going to be horrible at this game," I said. Then I explained how I have a terrible with the tip-of-the-tongue phenomena. He found my utter misery directed towards the game highly amusing. I sighed, and drank more.


I was on team two, and for the first five or six people in my group, I offered no guesses. It was so difficult because most of the time, I had no idea what they were referencing. It's politically incorrect to say that blacks and whites come from different backgrounds, but it is true. The majority of the party was black boys and girls who got the references. I didn't.


After I finished my cup, and the alcohol was finally loosening my little pea brain, I started to see some connections.


It was when the word was Nicole Kidman, that I got in the spirit.


"She is from Australia," one of my teammates said, waving her hand like she was turning a crank.


"Oh! Oh!" I exclaimed, waving my hand similarly. "She's blond... and was in that movie... with Hugh Jackman!" I was so sure. "It's on the tip of my tongue!" I waved frantically. Time was up.


"Nicole Kidman," she offered. I nodded vigorously.


"Ah, yeah. I need more to drink, obviously." I passed my cup back to Gina who went and fetched me something akin to Jungle Juice. "Mmmm," I said into my cup. "This is good shit."


Gina told me later that by this point she was on her third cup. I wanted to say, it's not a competition.


We continued playing, and even though Gina was one her "third cup" she still wasn't loosened up. She refused to play.


"No, no, no. I am no good at this."


"Play! Play! Play!" We all chanted. Finally she took the cards. She tried. She tried really hard. Teams one and two were playing together, trying to help her out. We only got two answers.


We all laughed, but I saw the red creeping into her face. I knew she was embarrassed. Nobody else seemed to care. Someone patted her nicely on the shoulder and she smiled, feeling a little relieved.


The cards were passed around, and by this point, I was guessing and actually getting things right. I was proud of myself.


"It's my turn!" I grabbed for the cards, prepared myself for something really hard. I can't recall what it was, but I know my team scored six points in one minute. I felt like a rockstar. That meant I needed more to drink. I stood up and looked around, realizing Gina wasn't on the arm chair.


"Shit." I set my cup down. I had one thing to do that night, and it was make sure Gina didn't make out with Carl. Se had asked me to watch her. Already I had lost her. I went into the kitchen, sure that I would find her. I didn't.


Instead I found Carl. He was pouring himself some horrible pink liquid that I thought was Pepto Bismal. "Hey," I said, nodding.


"Oh," Carl said, topping of his red plastic cup. "We should chat." I had told him we needed to, after he almost had sex with Gina the weekend before.


"Yeah. It's a good idea." I felt sober. He opened the door to the stairs leading outside. I followed him and plunked down on the step.


"So what is going on." It wasn't a question, and he meant with Gina. She had freaked out about last weekend. They were drunk, and she was teasing him. He wanted to prove a point. They almost had sex, but he remembered he had promised me to not do that that night. It was a pinky promise.


Gina had freaked out. I told her it was no big deal, that we could just get her some Plan B. Just in case there was any "icky boy stuff." When she refuse, I explained how people can get pregnant without ever having sex. It was meant as, please, please think about these things before hand!


She hadn't had nearly as many sex education classes as me. It was understandable she didn't know these things.


"She is spazzing out a little," I said, drinking from Carl's cup of pink.


"Why?" He picked it up and drank too.


"Because..." I chewed on the inside of my lip. "She doesn't 'believe' in birth control, you know?" I always used quote marks when I said this. I thought it was a silly notion, like not believing in grass, or fingernails, or chocolate. It was there, so you have to believe it, right?


"Yeah, so?" He took another swig.


"So, she thinks it's a possibility..." I paused again, knowing this was going to sound ridiculously stupid, "That you could have gotten her pregnant that night. That's a scary thought for a young girl."


He laughed, a belly laugh. "Why would she think that?"


"Well, I explained how people can get pregnant even without having sex. It was more of a warning, you know? I didn't mean for her to get all wonky in the head." I mean, in the television show 'Scrubs,' J. D. got that one chick pregnant without sex.


"Is she... you know, bleeding?"


"Yeah. She was still a little freaked out. I mean, it's a good thing I brought up the topic. It'll keep you guys from making bad decisions. Just imbibing you both with fear." He looked at me, not understanding exactly what I had meant by 'imbibing.' "I was putting the fear of God into you guys, to say the least." I hoped it was still going to be there.


"Oh," he said, laughing again. "So she is on the rag, and not pregnant."


"Yup."


"And me and you, were good right?" He was sitting next to me, resting his hand on my knee.


"Of course, Carl." I gave him a side hug just as the door opened. It was Adley.


"Oh... sorry." He closed the door quickly. I blushed furiously and stood up. Carl followed suit.


"Adley!" I called as I swung the door open. He was still standing right there. Sadly, I still had to look up at him. I may have been almost six foot in my ridiculously tall boots, but he was still almost a head taller. "Nothing was going on, okay?" I pointed my finger at him dangerously.


"It's cool, it's cool." He waved his hands around him helplessly. "I don't want to get on your bad side," he said laughing. I smiled and patted his wrist.


"No you don't." We went into the living room again. The cake was alight with fire. The candles had been lit.


"Happy birthday to you," we all started singing. When that one finished, Marcel and Carl's god-sisters started singing the more fun version. "Happy birthday to ya'! Happy birthday to ya'! Happy biiiiirthday! Happy birthday to ya'!" It went on for almost two minutes, but was all in good fun.


"Make a wish!" Someone yelled as he blew the candles out. I looked around I realized that I had still not found Gina. I headed outside.


She was standing on the step, talking to Christina. I waved, "You missed the candles." They shrugged. I was thirsty and went back inside.


I went into the kitchen and went to fill up a cup. Carl was standing in there. He scooped my boob.


"Hey!" I crinkled my brows together. "That was my boob!"


"Yeah. And this is your ass," he said, reaching around and squeezing it.


"Uh!" I walked towards the door as Marcel came in. "He just groped me!" I complained.


Marcel grabbed my ass then ran his hand up to my boob. "He's got good reason to," he said, chuckling. "You are fucking hot."


"Uh!" I blushed. I tried to be mad, but I was secretly flattered.


"And you know," Carl said.


"You are acting taller than both of us. It's not fair you want to look like a model."


It was like they had rehearsed it.


"Thanks, I think." I took a sip of my drink. I didn't know what it was. I thought a beer would have been better than the purple sweet drink I had.


They laughed and headed out into the living room. That was when Gina's all time crush came in.


His name was Jermarco. I looked at him quizzically, knowing there was something he needed to know. I cocked my head like a dog. I didn't know what Gina saw in him because he was definitely not her type. He wasn't macho, he wasn't very tall, and he wore glasses.


"Jermarco, right?" I asked, handing him my hand.


"Ana," he said, shaking it. He fished around in the chicken bowl. "You and Chris are still broken up right?"


I didn't know why people asked it like that. Still broken up. Like there was the expectation we would get back together.


"Yes, we are not together anymore." I nodded. "It's a 'not getting back together' sort of not together anymore, if you know what I mean."


"Oh," he said, popping a piece of chicken in his mouth.


"Yep, and Jermarco," I said, remembering what I need to say, "If you make out with Gina tonight. It won't mean anything like sex." I smiled, and he smiled back. I picked up my drink, and for the third time went in search of Gina.


She was still on the porch, but Christina wasn't around. Marcel was talking to her. I stepped out.


"Gina!" I waved at the back of her head. She turned and looked at me. It was like she was looking at a train wreck waiting to happen.


"Yes..." Her 's' was extra long.


"Do you want me to stop you from making out with him too?" I pointed with my full arm at Marcel. He wiggled his fingers at me.


"What?" She stumbled in her tall shoes. I bounced from one foot to the other.


"You don't want to make out with Carl. You want to make out with Jermarco." I said it loudly and smiled. I didn't know how badly I was embarrassing her in front of Marcel.


"Uh, you don't have to stop me from making out with Marcel," she said, looking back at him. He looked up at me, and I beamed.


"Don't worry," he said. He put his hand up in the air, offering his pinky. "I won't let anything bad happen between us."


For some reason, that reassured me. Looking back, I don't know why. I don't even know if he was talking about Gina. But I raised my pinky and did a fake curl and a thumb pump.


"I am gonna hold you to your word!" I went back inside and sat down to play cards. I got up some time later when Gina beckoned me outside.


"What did you tell Jermarco?" She hissed at me. She was upset. Her usual manner of dealing with things when upset and drunk was to hit them. I looked at her hands, wondering if I was going to have to react to being slapped. I curled my left hand loosely.


"I told him to not think anything of it if you guys macked." I raised an eyebrow, waiting.


"You said what!" It wasn't necessarily a question. I knew I had spoken clearly. We were standing at the end of the driveway. I didn't want to have to drag her back to the house if I had to punch her.


She raised her hands in the air, getting close to the point of almost hitting me. Then she turned to her left and walked away, throwing her hands in the air furiously. I relaxed my stance, shaking out my arms and shoulders.


"How could you say that?" She screamed it at the air. I shrugged. She was too far away to try anything without me knowing. I watched her like a wolf though, ready act if need be.


"It's not a big deal. I just told him not to try to bang you. Paraphrasing, of course." I shifted from foot to foot.


"Ugh." She sighed and headed towards the house. "Oh, well. It doesn't matter that much." She was back to normal. I let out a deep breath. I didn't want to take out my best friend, but if I was drunk, I knew I would react first, then probably never ask questions later.


We were back in the house, and there was another card game starting up. Never Have I Ever. I was so ready to play. Then Carl, Marcel, Dick (whose name is actually Joey), and some other guy walked in. I got my cup full, ready to play. Carl waved me over. With a groan, I got up, grabbed my cup, and followed him to the stairs again.


He sat one step below me. I curled my legs around his back. We had sat like this many times before, so I didn't find it weird.


"Oh, God," he said. He wrapped an arm around my calf. My ears twitched back like they sometimes do when I am slightly alarmed.


"Carl," I asked, keeping completely still.


"I shouldn't," he moaned to himself. My ears twitched again.


"Shouldn't..." I dragged it out.


"I shouldn't want you, but I do." He rolled his head into my lap and looked up at me.


"Oh." I continued to not move. I had a thousand things rolling through my head. It was perfectly legitimate to want to make out with him. I would have if I hadn't have had the Everclear Gatoraide. But Gina was macking with him now. On a regular basis. That was weird. And on top of that, he was Chris the Ex's best friend.


"I just...you are so beautiful. In your swimsuit, when you went to the Y with me and Chris. You're so beautiful." I sat there, my eyes the size of saucers. I didn't have anything to say.


How flattering, didn't cut it. It was weird and I didn't know how to deal with it. I wasn't in love with Chris anymore. But did the fact that I went out with him, had slept with him, had loved, and lost him make me sloppy seconds?


"I just want you so bad. Everything about you. I just want to taste you." He licked my jeans.


"That's my pants," I said, matter-of-factly.


"You could take them off. I can eat you out."


"I don't think that is a good idea." I checked to make sure I hadn't lost my belt.


"Please, it's all I want."


"I think ponies are a better thing to want." I continued to not move.


"You can ride me like a pony." I laughed.


"No, I don't think so." I sat there, pursing my lips. He turned so he was eye to eye with me.


"You know I can't control how I feel."


"A lot of guys probably feel like you," I said, trying to help. I leaned back and away from him. "It's totally natural. You are a young male with raging hormones."


"It's not just that," he said, giving me the once over. I looked at the broom at the bottom of the stair. "Please," he said, putting his hands on my wrists. It wasn't a controlling motion. He scooted so he was sitting next to me and started licking my neck. I didn't move.


"You know," I said, "There isn't enough genetic material in the tiger population to keep the species genetically diverse enough to sustain them and keep them healthy. In our lifetime, we may see the extinction of a species."


"Mmm," he said, still licking my neck.


"You shouldn't do that." I batted him away. "I get marks easy."


"Oh." He moved to the top of my boob.


"Hey," I said, batting him away again.


"God!" He said, standing up. "You make me so hard!" He started unbuttoning his pants.


"Uh..." I crinkled my eyebrows again.


"I need to go outside," he said.


"That's a good idea."


He opened the door just as Adley and Christina were coming around.


"Hey guys!" He gave them both hugs. It was dark, so I don't think they noticed he had unbuttoned pants. "Where are you going?"


"I need to go home," Christina said. She patted his shoulder. "It was so much fun," she said, looking at me. I waved.


"See you later," I said. Adley and Christina went back through the gate and Carl turned around and peed on the grass. I shook my head. "How much have you drank?" I asked.


"Too much," he said, sitting down on the sidewalk. He laid down on his side and sighed.


"You okay?" I stayed put. I didn't want to recharge his sexual energy.


"Yeah. I'm sorry. I am being such a jerk. I know I shouldn't feel this way." He sighed again and didn't say anything for a long time.


"It's okay." I didn't want him to feel bad for feeling.


"It's just...you know. You are you. And like, you are amazing. So I want to get with that, you know?"


"I am not taking your virginity, Carl."


"I wouldn't protest," he said. He curled his arm under his head.


"Yeah, well, I am still not going to be your first time. Sorry." I said it, but I didn't mean the 'sorry.' I didn't want to take his virginity. I wasn't sure I wanted to have sex with him. There were too many ties with other people I knew.


"I would be great in bed," he said, like he knew a thing or two.


"I am calling bullshit," I said.


"You have always said Chris was great in bed."


I blushed, because I do always say that. "He learned very quickly. Doesn't mean he was great all the time. Or at first."


"Okay, okay." He stopped talking and I told him I had to go pee. There was a lot less people in the house. I went to the bathroom and came back. Carl was quiet. I grew concerned and went outside.


"Hey," I said, and poked him.


"Uhn," he groaned.


"Wake up." He moved away from me and onto a tent that was rolled up. "Are you gonna be sick?" I asked. I was concerned.


My phone started to ring as he began heaving into the grass. I picked it up.


"Hello?" It was Kyra.


"What the hell is going on?" She harped into my ear. I held the phone out about a foot. I could still hear her. "Where are you! Gina is scared and lost! What did you do!"


"I don't know where she is," I mumbled at her, absently rubbing Carl's back. He dry heaved again and again.


"YOU DON'T KNOW!" She screeched it so loud that Carl stopped dry heaving and perked his head up like a dog. He just needed to whine at me.


"She got mad at me, Kyra. I don't know if she is still here, or if she is with Christina."


"She could be in the woods or something! You need to find her." I looked around the back yard. It was North City. There were no woods.


"Here. Let me give you Christina's number. Call her." I smacked Carl's hip, and he turned like a trained horse and stuck his leg out. I reached in his pocket and grabbed his phone. I searched through his contacts and found Christina.


"The number is..." I repeated it to her three times, then had her repeat it back to me. I double checked it, the alcohol swimming behind my eyes.


"Call her and see if she has Gina." Kyra complied to my calm tone. I lacked slurred words because I was talking slowly and clearly.


I hung up, put my phone in my left pocket and Carl's in my right. He had gone back to dry heaving. I petted his back. Twenty minutes went by, and he finally spit something up. He was getting clammy, and the sky was starting to drizzle cold rain on our backs.


The door inside squeaked open, and then I heard feet clack downstairs. The screen door made a screech and a bang as it swung shut. It was Gina in her white jacket. I smiled.


"Hey, I thought you left." She looked at Carl, shirtless and dry heaving on a tent.


"Why would I do that?" She shucked off her coat and handed it to me. I had goosebumps.


I put her coat on. It smelled like her body wash and sweat. "You were mad at me. I thought you went home with Christina."


"No. I was just playing cards. What wrong with him?" She pointed from her hip.


"Drank too much, of course." I patted him like he was a good ol' boy.


"I'll go get Adley." She went inside and came back out a few minutes later. Adley looked like a giant from where I knelt.


I stepped back as Adley moved in. "Come on, Carl," he said calmly, hoisting Carl up like a rag doll. "What did you do to yourself?" Carl shook his head like he didn't know or didn't remember.


We let Adley take Carl into the house and dump him in the bathroom. Gina and I sat on the tub. I shook my head. I didn't want to talk about anything.


Carl finally got sick again. I thought he would get better, but he didn't. We dumped him in the tub.


"Why are your pants unbuttoned?" She asked him, looking at him like he was a bad puppy who peed on the floor.


"It's a long story," I offered. She shrugged, not wanting to know.


We left Carl in the tub, thinking that he would get better.


When we came back an hour later, after Malcolm had heard the story about both of my beta fish, Frankenfurter and Malcolm, Carl had only gotten worse.


"Oh, lords," I cursed. I pressed my hand to his forehead. He was clammy.


"You think he has alcohol poisoning?" I pulled out my phone and connected to the web. After I willed my fingers to behave, (they kept typing 'alcohohol poisononining') I pulled up a website listing the symptoms and how to mitigate it.


"He needs sugar and water." I brought a huge cup of pineapple juice and a huge cup of water.


"Drink these," Gina insisted. She handed him the cups. At first he resisted us, but then after much forcing, he conceded to do what we said. I got bored and headed out into the living room. The girl on couch wanted a status update.


"What's wrong with him?" She harped at me. She had a screechy voice that was high and nasally.


"I think," I said slowly, making sure to enunciate, "He has a mild case of alcohol poisoning. We are treating him with an increased intake of glucose and H₂O. He should be getting better shortly."


She looked at me with wide eyes that were hyper dilated from marijuana. "Are you are docta' or summin?" I shrugged. I was just smart.


I grabbed some water from the faucet and sat at the card table and started playing spades. I was good. I won five out of the six games. The boys grumbled with annoyance. I laughed and got up then headed to the bathroom to check on Carl and Gina. She was sitting on the toilet.


"Hey," I said, nodding at Carl. He smiled.


"I am feeling so much better now." He laughed and wiggled. Gina and I sighed. Boys were so dumb.


At some point, Carl was able to get out of the tub and get into the living room. He fell asleep on the floor. I looked at my phone. It was almost four in the morning.


I asked Gina to go with me to get our sleeping bags. We brought them in the house, I rolled out my sleeping bag, plopped down and went to sleep. I was done for the night!

I'm a Party Girl in a Party World

I went to a Halloween party on Halloween night.


I was Indiana Jones.


Gina dressed as Laura Croft.


We were an archeological dream team.


We went to Kevin's house. When I told my dad and Sharon where I was going, Sharon raised her nose at me.


"Who is Kevin?" She asked, looking at me with slitted eyes.


"I work with him," I said shrugging. To me, it wasn't a big deal. Everyone from work was going to be there.


"What does he want with you? You are barely an adult." I shrugged again and wiggled my fingers at them.


"Gotta go!" I skipped away in my black boots, clicking across our hardwood floors. Sharon scowled at me, burning little holes of anger into my shoulders.


I went and picked Gina up from her house and we circled back around to find Kevin's house. I had an address. I drove up and down a few streets, and when I realized it was the house with the strobe light and crazy spiderwebs, I got nervous.


"Does it look like there are people in there?" I asked Gina.


"No..." She shook her head. I chewed my lip.


"Maybe we should drive around and wait." I didn't want to just go in and be the only two people there.


We opted to driving around. I texted Shesha, who was also going to the party. She said she'd be there soon.


Finally I gave up driving around. It was a waste of gas anyways. I parked a few feet from the house on the street and handed Gina my keys.


"Under no circumstance should you hand these to me." She nodded gravely, then smiled like a goon.


"You are getting plastered tonight," she said laughing. I laughed and nodded. We got out of the car, and I was relieved to see another work mate. Nick was wearing clothes that seemed a few sizes too small.


"What are you?" I asked. He looked confusedly at his outfit.


"I don't know. You like?" I shook my head and laughed as we headed up the stairs. I didn't ring the doorbell, instead just letting us all in. I was an old pro at this, it seemed.


I was greeted by Justin the Sheriff, who led us to the kitchen. I found Sasha the Mummy, her boyfriend Courtney, Sabrina, and Marcus from work.


"Take a shots with us!" Sasha demanded. I complied, taking shot of vodka. It burned when it went down. I shook my head, and took a second shot with Marcus. Tom the Zombie (Killer) came down the stairs. I eyeballed him. He eyeballed me. I giggled.


I decided that I needed to explore the house before I got way to drunk to not find the bathroom. I checked out the counter one last time. I saw the Everclear. I grew slightly concerned.


Gina and I headed towards the stairs. Tom the Zombie was in the way. "Can we go up?" I asked, looking up at him.


"Let me show you the way." We followed him, and he started showing off the rooms. My eyes about fell out of my head.


"Oh, shit!" I exclaimed. "Those guitars are beautiful." I reached for one then retracted my hand. "Can I?"


"Sure, it's no problem." I slowly picked up the guitar and propped it on my hipbone. I slowly strummed the strings. It sounded like a guitar, all right.


"Okay," I set it down. "Show me everything." I followed him into Kevin's room and spied the guitars in there. I silently drooled. Tom then showed us his room. My eyes couldn't stay in anyone place. There was so much amazingness going on.


"Tom, by the way." He offered his hand.


"Ana," I shook his hand firmly. We smiled at each other. Gina rolled her eyes. I went over to the red seven string guitar and picked it up. I balanced it on my thigh while I fingered a few chords. "Your guys' house...it's amazing." I spotted a violin, some bases, and a door to a balcony.


I carefully set the guitar down, overly aware that that vodka was worming its way through my system.


We looked in Justin the Sheriff's room, and again, I found an instrument to drool over. I decided that it was time to go downstairs after spotting the bathroom.


"The potty house!" I pointed at it, making sure Gina knew too. She smiled at me as I thumped down the stairs and into the kitchen. Marcus was handing out sangria and I took a cup. Or maybe two. I wandered outside, and then back in. More people from work were arriving, and I was turning into a regular chatty Cathy.


I went down in the basement, Gina following me and making sure I didn't hurt myself or something else. I squealed at the sight of even more guitars. I touched everything. I even tapped on the mic and did a, "One, two, one, two."


We went back upstairs, and I belatedly realized the last thing I had eaten that day was a piece of toast and some orange juice. It was no wonder I was really feeling the very small amount of drinks I already had.


I went into the kitchen, hoping for food, but ended up with a beer. It was a wonder I had been able to get it open. Kevin finally made an appearance. I think I said hi, and he asked if I knew who he was.


"You have a mustache. You're a...pedophile!" I grinned broadly. He laughed, throwing his head back.


"No," he said abruptly. "I am Bernie, from 'Weekend at Bernie's.'" I had never seen the movie, but I believed he looked just like him. Kevin was like that. Very committed.


I gave him a high five like I knew what he was talking about. He nodded like a rock star and I headed back into the kitchen.


I started talking to Kevin's brother, and half way through the conversation my eyes grew wide. "Ohhigawd," I slurred. I waved my beer towards him. "You're not a cop, are you?" I patted his arm.


"Haha," he chuckled at me. "No, I am the furthest thing from a cop." I didn't know what that made him exactly, but I was reassured. I patted his arm again, leaning in close.


"Good, 'cause if you were, I woulda said I was twenty-one!" I clinked glasses with him. "Sorry," I said, still leaning on him, "I'm drunk." I nodded knowingly, gave his arm a squeeze and then turned to my left and saw Shesha.


"Sheeeeeeesha!" I cried out, sounding like an over loud baby. I ran to her and she hugged me tight.


"I'm drunk," I told her, patting her cheeks. "You have weird eyes." I jiggled her boobs. "Still soft!" I grabbed her hand and brought her in the kitchen. "Shots!" I grabbed the shot glasses, poured something in them, and handed her one. We tipped our heads back and drank.


I kissed her cheek, found Chrys, and hugged him to my breasts. "Darling!" I kissed his cheeks.


I found Lindsey and hugged her around the waste. "I get it!" I pointed at her chest. "You're Sookie Stackhouse!"


I fluttered around, drinking other people's drinks and wondering where Gina was.


At some point, I started bringing people upstairs. I had to show everyone the amazing beds!


It sounds a lot worse than it is. It involved me sitting on the beds, and saying, "Oh my gosh. Isn't this amazing?" I would lay back and laugh. They did too. They knew I wasn't bringing them up there to make out.


Every time I went back downstairs, I took another shot, got progressively drunker, and ended up on Tom the Zombie's bed, telling Gina to stop making the world spin.


"Let's go to the bathroom." I stumbled to my feet, smiled at Tom the Zombie, and slipped into the bathroom. I puked my guts out, scooted over to the sink and washed my hands mouth and face.


"I gargled!" I smiled at Gina. She smiled back. I got up and danced my way down the stairs.


"Apple Pie Shots!" Kevin announced. I swiped one, tossed my head back, and downed the hot cider drink. I went and sat on the steps. Shesha was there. I told her I got sick. And that it was brown. She handed me a hotdog bun. I munched on it, but the bread dried my mouth out, so I spit it out. I pulled Gina over by the hand and reached for her backpack.


She had a Camelback full of water that I had been sucking on all night. I needed to stay hydrated!


"Oh, gosh," I said, and climbed up the stairs again. There was a line to the bathroom. I looked at Lauren, put a finger to my mouth and pointed outwards.


"Hey!" Lauren pounded on the door. "She needs to vomit! Open up!" The door opened, and a guy that worked in the kitchen stood in the way, looking at me. I pushed forward but he didn't budge. I looked at the claw foot tub mournfully. I didn't want to puke in such a fine looking tub.


"Move, you worthless idiot!" Gina screamed, pulling the guy out of my way. I lurched towards the toilet and puked my guts out again. I got vomit on my arm.


"Uh! Uh!" I cried and looked at my arm in utter despair. "I...its on my arm!" I looked at my arm again.


"Don't worry, sweetie." Gina grabbed a towel and helped me wash it off. Newly clean, I smiled like a little kid in the pet shop. I lurched forward and out into the hall. Tom the Zombie was there.


"Don't worry, it happens to the best of us." I smiled again.


"Eh! It happens to me all the time!" I laughed as I thumped down the stairs. Gina took me by the wrist.


"Sweetie, let's go home." I nodded and bounded towards the door, waving at everyone.


"I gotta go guys! Bye!" Gina lead me out to the car and I got in the passenger seat. I was so confused when I got in. Why wasn't I driving? Gina turned us towards her house and drove. We almost made it.


Then I got sick again. She pulled over, I opened up the door, and I puked for the third and final time on the curb. Gina patted my shoulder.


I smiled as she tucked me into bed. "That was a great party!"


"Yes, yes, it was sweetie."