Last weekend, my friend Ambria and I decided to go to the going away party for my ex, Chris. He is in the Army Reserves, and will be going to boot camp in October. So he had this going away party, and invited me. The thing was, I was really nervous about the whole thing.
See, as much as I wanted to be friends with Chris, after we broke up, things were shaky. We couldn't quite get over that hurtle of, yes we slept together, but no, we aren't interested in each other that way. Most of our meetings were us sitting on opposite sides of the room talking to other people then awkwardly meeting eyes only to look away quickly, hoping no one saw.
When he asked me if I wanted to go to his going away party, half of me was like, "Hell yeah!" but the other part of me was like, "No, I'll just make it awkward." So with those two conflicting emotions in hand, I called Ambria.
"I have a proposition for you," I left for her message machine. She called me back, her curiosity needing to be sated.
I filled her in on the situation. I not only needed a friend, but I needed my number one drinking buddy. She was more than intrigued. She agreed to my idea immediately, and we made plans to meet Friday after I got out of school.
I decided that I wouldn't tell Chris I was bringing Ambria. I didn't know how he would feel about her.
After school let out on Friday, I made my way home to pack, print directions, and then make my way to Ambria's. My general lack of management skills lead me to forget my directions in the printer at my dad's house just as he got home. I quickly spun the car around and ran up the stairs to grab the directions without him ever finding out about the trip.
I went to Ambria's house and straightened my hair, was coddled by her mother on the phone, and we were then off to the college where the party was at.
It took us about two and a half hours to get there, but instead of going straight to the part, Ambria and I made a pit stop at her old suit mate's new digs. Her suit mate had moved into the new apartments off campus, and it still smelled like paint and glue. I was instantly drawn to the wheelchair that someone had jacked from an old nursing home and began to frantically cart myself around the apartment. I learned to turn like a wheelchair pro.
If I ever break my leg, I can safely say that I am well prepared for the wheelchair.
Chris eventually called me, wondering "where the fuck" I was. I pleasantly told him I was wearing a cowboy hat, sitting in a wheelchair, play Wii.
He had decided that meant I was not going to show up. The thought of losing out on free alcohol spurred me to my feet. Ambria and I said our good byes, I hastily made it to the car. Chris had informed he was actually on campus at one of the cafes. It didn't help me when he gave me the name because I had never gone to the school. Nonetheless, Ambria and I diligently sought out the cafe, only to be then told they had just left there and were heading back to the apartment which was our original destination.
Grumpily, I turned my car around and headed in what I hoped was the correct direction of the highway. Of course, I made a wrong turn and whipped out the GPS which lead me down a long dark road surrounded by trees and most probably the headquarters of the brain eating hill billies. Finally, civilization in the means of lightbulbs broke the canopy, and Ambria and I were on the road towards the apartment.
Only after two wrong turns, and a trip down Victoria Street which is a dead end, did we make it to the apartment complex. We then had to drive around the complex several times looking for Chris's friend Carl who was maybe the only person besides me and Ambria who was not schnockered. Carl, who is very nice, waited in the cold and sprinkling rain for us and lead us to the apartment without further ado.
When we got there, I was promptly hugged by multiple people. Chris gave me a really long hug that would have normally been awkward except that he was drunk enough by that point it came off as friendly.
And then the girls took their shirts off.
Ambria and I quickly exchanged looks then made our way to the bar to help ourselves to more than a few shots of watermelon rum, (which tastes like liquid Jolly Rancher). We then returned to the card table, and almost half naked girls to try to figure out what the fuck was going on.
Apparently it was Strip Spades. I hadn't gotten the memo, nor had Ambria, and had made the grievous mistake of not shaving my armpits, wearing a nude bra, and being unwilling to STRIP IN FRONT OF PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW!
So Ambira and I stayed out of the game and drank our rummy fruit punch. A half hour in, we were feeling pretty buzzed.
Then everyone decided that we needed to go the this thing called a highlighter party now. Ambria and I needed an explanation of what such a party entailed; people wearing white shirts and writing on them with highlighter under dark lights, and then made our way to the bar counter yet again.
It was then that Carl and Michael Jay said Ambria and I could not drink spiced rum straight from the bottle. They demonstrated what we needed to do by sipping from the bottle. Ambria and I laughed at them, grabbed the bottle and made several gulping noises each as we drank. The boys looked at us with newfound respect. We quickly did some fancy hand slapping and were dubbed "g's" which is slang for being a gangster.
Carl, who was sober for the most part, drove Ambria, Michael Jay, Chris and I over to the highlighter party. Ambria and I naturally, (in a car with horny boys) decided to talk about our boobs extensively, and took turns poking each other in the boobs. The guys kept turning around and staring at us, causing more than one near crash.
"You can look, but you can't touch!" was said at least once.
We made it to the party in one piece, and quickly found that it was just some guys house. It was weird, but hey, there was beer pong! Chris and Carl challenged Ambria and I, and if Kyra hadn't of been playing too, we would have kicked their asses.
After a while, Ambria and I grew bored and made a critical mistake in our drunken stupor. We drank the Gatoraide. Normally, people love this juice like drink, but when it is spiked with some substance you can't even taste, you should definitely stay away.
Ambria and I didn't know better, and drank up. When everyone was done coloring each other with highlighter, we left for the apartment again. Little did we know, the drink was sloshing around angrily in our bellies.
We made it to the apartment safe and sound except that Chris was crying for some reason that is still unknown. We went upstairs and I quickly flopped on the couch asking for someone to please make the fan stop moving the fucking room.
That's about when things get hazy. People were moving around me, and I swear I was laying in someone's lap. The fan was making me sicker and sicker when I finally say Carl like a shiny beacon of light.
"I need to vomit." There was no question about it.
"Come on," Carl said as he helped me to the toilet. I flopped down on the cold tile floor and hurled. I started to feel good. Kyra came in and sat on the bathtub wall, and I pressed my face into her leg. She petted my head. I liked how nice she was being and told her as much. Then I leaned over into the toilet and vomited hot pink goo. It got on the toilet seat and I wiped it off like an old pro.
"Feeling better?" Some nice person asked. I nodded and got up, feeling like a champion. Without that Gatoraide shit in me, I was like a new woman!
I curled up on the couch and fell asleep on an unknown jacket.
I awoke, my body shaking so hard, I thought to myself, I must be having a seizure. That was not the case though, I was just really freaking cold.
I kept shaking and shaking, and probably looking really sad because Michael Jay came over and left me stick my feet against his very warm thigh.
"I'm cold," I complained through chattering teeth. He nodded and said something to someone else, and I pressed my face into the rough coat.
The my beacon of light came back to me, and like a snake, I wrapped myself tight around Carl. He was like a warm little sun.
"You smell good," I said, pressing my cold nose into his neck. "I taste like vomit." He might have said something, but I really don't remember. Then I had my bottle of water, and was drinking it like there was nothing better in the world.
Briefly, I looked over at Ambria in a chair. I put two pieces together at that point. Michael Jay had the hots for Ambria, and Ambria had made out with Michael Jay. How I knew this was when Ambria grabbed Michael Jay by his face and brought him forehead to forehead with her. He was all open mouthed, looking like he was more than ready for round two.
"I need water!" She patted his cheek as he complied to her wishes.
Carl wanted his jacket that I was snuggled into. I asked him why his cell phone was so big, only to be informed it was a brush. I laughed, and gave him his jacket when he brought me a blanket. Snuggled back into the couch I contentedly stretched like a cat. I was feeling like a million bucks.
I looked over at Ambria at the pivotal moment in time when the world seemed to stop.
No, it was not the drunkenness that precipitated the time stop.
It was watching Ambria suddenly awaken from her slumber to lean over the left arm of the leather arm chair. Everyone in the apartment, a number which I don't recollect, became totally and completely silent as we watched in horrified fascination.
She never seemed to stop vomiting, like a waterfall of undigested material, she just kept going. For almost a minute and a half, no one said a word. And then the noise came back.
"Ah!"
"Ana, help your friend!"
"Don't do that!"
"Get her to stop!"
Ambria finally stopped vomiting, but had unfortunately gotten vomit in her very long hair. With a sigh, I had her follow me to the bathroom where I began to wash out her hair. Of course, I took care of my drinking buddy, and when she was clean to my standards, I left her to shower herself so that I could clean up the chair.
I didn't have a problem cleaning up the chair; vomit had never really bothered me. Everyone else though saw me as a hero. Suddenly, I was cool stuff. I decided to flop into a comfy chair and have Chris sit on my cold little ice block feet, and was happy to just wait for Ambria to get out of the shower. There was great discussion about my feet and Chris. Everyone thought it was a really disrespectful thing for me to smash my feet on him. Chris told them that it was different for me, which made me giggle. It showed he still cared.
The only problem was, Ambria was taking a long shower that I was used to, but no one else was. I tried to explain away that Ambria was simply a long shower taker, but everyone else had decided the very worst had happened.
I smacked myself on my breast bone proclaiming, "I would know if she died!" Through some psychic link that I had in my drunk little brain, I knew I would know. Period.
Turns out I was right, when she barked at everyone to leave her alone after the second banging on the bathroom door. She finally came out and I motioned for her to come snuggle with me. I braided her hair and tied it in a bun, and tried as hard as I could to warm her up. Instead I had to fetch the blanket for her. She stole my spot, so I made Chris scoot over so I could lay on him.
I watched everyone play spades, and tried to help Chris win better, but I think he had decided he was not going to listen to someone as drunk as me. I was more than able to count cards though.
Finally, the night seemed to dwindle down as everyone became really tired. I went and fetched my stuff out of my car and set up my little nest of soft things. I was happy to finally turn in for the night. I got in my jim-jams, somehow managed to not poke my eye out when fishing for my contacts, took some ibuprofen and fell into a wonderful sleep.
When everyone got up the next morning, Ambria and Michael Jay had no memory of making out, so everyone filled them in. Ambria only kind of remembered vomiting. Everyone was worried that Carl hadn't come home after leaving at some point for a booty call.
And I was snuggly warm under my sleeping bags and was happily not hungover.
